Top 5 Worst Video Game Jobs
October 8, 2009 | Follow comments
While working sucks, at least the majority of us don’t have to list , “Death”, as a realistic, everyday job hazard. In the world of Vidja Games, everyone from the Secret Service to the janitor at the dirt mall has hazard pay. This was something I had always commented on, but never talked about. That was until Tuesday, when surfing 1up, I noticed a user blog about how working as a Shinra guard is the worst Video Game job. That got me thinking, and this job does appear on this countdown, but I thought up several more to go with it. Here is the top 5 Worst Video Game Jobs.
5) Cab Driver in Liberty City
I’m sure being a cab driver sucks everywhere whether you’re digital or not. Long hours, bad tips, and every out of towner wants to do the unspeakables in your back seat. And while getting held up or car jacked might be a risk, at least it isn’t a certainty. Well in Liberty City, every Mute Italian bastard or vengeful Serbian will hail you down, beat your ass, and take your ride. And to add insult to injury, they’ll start taking your fares from you. You’d like to complain, but the guy in question is either a made-man or your boss’s cousin. The best you can hope for is to chase the cab down before he speeds off. Of course that proposition carries it’s own lead based problems.
While ninjas are famed in history for being nigh unbeatable badasses, in video games they’re mostly famed for being disposable heroes. You might have trained your whole life in the art of ninjutsu, but as soon as the revenge driven chosen boy shows up with the magic sword, you’re a white belt tossed into a meat grinder. And it’s not like your superiors will figure this out. Hell no, they’ll keep sending you in mass hoping his blade will eventually dull itself on your spine. And it’s not just the hench-boys that get it. Even if you’re the hero you’re screwed in someway. Either it’s the sword that consumes your soul if you’re not constantly slaughtering your relatives who are being meat puppeted by a necromancer, or it’s the ally who screwed your entire clan over in order to steal the relic that nobodies supposed to touch. Anyway you run with it, being a video game ninja sucks.
Speaking of meat shields, welcome to Shinra Electric Company, where the dental plan is top notch, but the health insurance is to much of a cost for the company. That’s because on a daily basis, spiky haired goons or effeminate weirdos will be breaking into your place of employ to blow it up, but not before setting you on fire with green marbles. If you thought you’d get the kick ass mako bath, and the giant, over-compensating swords, you thought wrong. What you get is a gun that shoots peas and tissue paper, a night stick made of hollow plastic, and armor forged from paper mache’. And with a life expectancy of one round, no one’ll blame ya take that job as a mascot at the Gold Saucer.
You have no weapons, no armor, barely any food, and everything you own is a extremely flammable. And just guess what the bandits, demons, or asshole protagonist will have plenty of to throw around. Unless you’re playing “Harvest Moon”, you’re guaranteed a once a year rape, pillage, and arson from all of the guys who have discovered that random animals apparently carry around gold and sellable items for mysterious reasons. So that quiet, blame free life of toil you’ve been working on will only net immolation, while going on a violent killing spree will usually net you the King’s hot daughter. You could complain to your local deity, but he/she/it is usually backing the son of a bitch.
F*ckin hate this guy.
And that’s it for the Top 5 Worst Video Game Jobs. Hopefully this makes your 9-5 look a lot better.
Green Mushrooms bitch!
Written By: John Quick
Illustrations By: Jane Stewart