While watching the Super Mario Bros. Supershow I was wondering, “What the hell keeps Bowser going in his quest to snag Princess Peach?” In that series she is completely incapable of doing anything more than repeating what Mario and Luigi say. Where is the interest in someone who seems to be completely ignorant of anything in the way of defense budgeting or any kind of military buildup to support her kingdom, but instead relies on what can only be considered the equivalent of swatting her hand at Bowser saying, “don’t touch me.”

Or she just uses a lackey as a meat shield.

I figured it out with a comment Baby Bowser made in Super Mario Sunshine when he called Peach “mama.” I know that by the end of the game Bowser tells his son that Peach isn’t really his mother and the little one agrees with him, but denial is also one of the stages of grief, and I’m sure that they both practiced it on that occasion. The real answer is that Baby Bowser is actually the spawn of Peach and Bowser and he continuously invades the Mushroom Kingdom in an effort to get the child support that he needs to enable a comfortable lifestyle for his child all because Peach refuses to pay.

Happiness soon ruined because of Peach's lack of responsibility.

Bowser was initially awarded custody because of the fact that the lone dinosaur of the royal court would create quite a stir, but this agreement was also made with Peach promising some child support that was never received by old King Koopa. It was no big deal until he started falling on hard times and had to live in what seems to be some kind of fiery hell-hole until he snaps and tries to snag what is his. I’m assuming his finances were hurt with a lot of spending on the construction of wooden flying ships that mysteriously need an anchor (that never touches the ground).  These ships were also later outfitted with cannons after his meltdown.

Seriously, it's always at perfect Mario jump height.

Before he heads out on the warpath he decides that he needs to try and reach out one more time. She agrees to meet him at her castle while she is there waiting on a plumber to come patch some things up. When Bowser arrives and begins negotiating the conversation gets heated. Mario happens to be approaching Peach at this time to deliver the bill and Peach asks for him to help. Mario then springs into action because he thought, and reasonably so, that someone asking for help from a humongous dinosaur is in the right and beats Bowser down and has him thrown out. Peach then enlists Mario for protection and keeps him in, without pay, with the promise of a “special reward” once the threat is over.

She does give him the cake, but that tease of a kiss before he got it lead him on.

Bowser gathers his children and whatever relatives want to help as well as enlisting the aid of the Mushroom Kingdom rebel factions of the turtles and goombas. He then invades the Mushroom Kingdom while Mario is out of town in the hopes that Mario will negotiate rather than fight. Mario being easily lead on by the promise of a “special reward” and also being easily manipulated by Peach decides to fight and maims all of Bowser’s kids and also crushes the resistance that follows Bowser. Then comes the final showdown where his spirit is completely crushed, and he has to fight for his life against a foe that he believes is Satan with a moustache. This Lucifer figure promptly makes a fake underneath, while Bowser jumps and throws a hammer, before hitting a key and making the floor collapse and dropping King Koopa into the geothermal energy station below to be seared and burned to death in lava.

The beginning of a long streak of dick moves.

Bowser is still alive though, and more pissed than ever. Why is he being punished for being a loving father who doesn’t want to see his kids grow up in a lava filled wasteland? The best answer to that is because Peach is capable of dragging around some insanely powerful plumber with false promises and an emotional tether to ensure that she never has to support her illegitimate child.  Peach is a dead-beat parent that is extremely crafty at faking helplessness in order to manipulate people into helping her.

-Cody Toothman

Tags: bowser, child support, Gamecube, Luigi, mario, NES, nintendo, peach, SNES, Super Mario, Toad, Wii

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 17th, 2010 at 6:11 pm and is filed under Editorial, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.