If we step into the way way back machine and venture  to the 90s, there was one gaming company above all others that had gaming fanboys wondering why their pants suddenly felt smaller.  That company was Square. For almost a decade, Square brought depth and characterization to a medium populated by Guido bastards tripping on mushrooms, and hyperactive furries with a penchant for bling. Spurred by their rivalry with Enix, the good folk at Square took the RPG off the table, and onto the TV.

But disaster struck at the turn of the millenium, as the cybernetic super minds at Square were affected by Y2k. They then began by raping a favorite franchise, refusing to make sequels to fantastic games, and entering into an unholy union with Disney. This is why I am about to share with you, my many and varied audience, the top 5 reasons I don’t care about FFXIII.

5)FFX-XII

While I’m not expecting every iteration of the series to be FFVII, I am expecting a certain level of awesome. 1) I would like a main character who isn’t a whiny bitch 2) If they are Emo, then they shouldn’t open their mouths, or at least have an awesome Odin slicing rival 3) I would also like the main character to have a purpose in the story, and get continued development on the character past the first quarter of the game, and finally 4) not an MMO.  I know you gotta branch out every once in a while to avoid getting stale, but “different” doesn’t always mean “better”, and going from “silent badass” to “asymmetric pants wearing mamma’s boy” is not a positive direction change.

4) Jackass Names and How I’m Stuck with Them

Once upon a time, if I didn’t like the name of a character, I could change it.  Admittedly, not all of names of yore were great. FFIV sported “Edge” the ninja and “Onion Knight” of FFIII, but at the end of the day, if I thought these names were dumb, I could rid myself of them and replace them with something awesome. My final party in FFVI consisted of “Jesus”, “Mohammed”, “Shiva”, and “Optimus Prime”.  Clearly the  quatrain of asskickery.  But these days, what with the voice-acting-limiting-possible-dialogue issue, the developers have decided to forgo this time honored tradition.  So now I’m stuck with a whiny bitch named Vaan, a General named Basch, a Goth chick named Lulu, and a douche nozzle named Wakka.  I’m really getting into the game now.

3) Effiminate Weirdos

Sephiroth might have been a Bishonen, but he shanked a bitch, so all was cool.  That doesn’t really help Tidus or Vaan or Seymour or anybody else we’re supposed to care about, who succeed only in being either smug, emo, or worthless.  Out of all of them, Tidus is the only one who really redeems himself, and he does that by dying.  So it was more of him giving me a moment of celebration than anything else.  So really, I know that not every man out there is a muscle bound, hairy, face crushing man’s man, but I shouldn’t have to be guessing half the time if they’re male or not.

2) No Chrono Break

Nobody can successfully argue that Chrono Trigger is anything other than a masterpiece of the gaming medium.  And while Chrono Cross wasn’t quite Chrono Trigger, it was still awesome.  So despite the fact that there is a rabid fan base clamoring for a sequel, Squenix has raised the middle finger like a rebel flag, and has told us to go fuck ourselves.  So until I hear word one about this game being under development or getting ready to be released, Fuck off you Japanese bastards.

1) No Vagrant Story II

Seriously, do you guys have a fear of money and success?  And it’s not like this was a real sleeper hit, most RPG players will agree this is possibly the best RPG released in the 32-bit era.  So get off your asses, stop making games about people with magic floating swords who look like women, and take us back to being a VKP badass.

So to Squenix, I’m done with your shitty otaku nonsense, and am moving on to anything else. Unfortunately, that leaves me with Bioware, but any port in a storm.

By: John Quick